Boundaries Before, Not After

Everyone’s feeling a little more distant lately, and it’s hard not to. At this point, we’re not sure as to when life will feel “normal” again in terms of spending time with the people we care about. Video chats, phone calls, and text messages are all good ways to communicate, but it doesn’t provide the same sense of connection as being physically near another person. Many people are tired of waiting, and I’ve seen an increase in the desire to get back to searching for a potential partner. For people with disabilities, dating presents it’s own set of obstacles and challenges. Dating in a world where face-to-face interaction isn’t an option...can sometimes feel impossible.

My concern is that this longing for human connection will cause people to become more lenient about their boundaries, or expectations of a partner. Someone with a disability, who already feels like the dating odds are stacked against them, may not believe that they should set strict boundaries, because this further limits their options. However, we have got to remember that every person deserves to be respected and appreciated in their relationships. 

When someone shares that they are interested in dating, one of my first questions is “what are some of your boundaries?” My intention is not to overwhelm, or take the excitement out of the dating process. The point of this question is to get people thinking about what they deserve - not “what they won’t put up with”, but how they deserve to be treated by a partner. Sometimes this question is difficult to answer, especially for people who haven’t had a serious relationship before. They tell me that they’ll figure it out as they go, or they’ll just know when something isn’t right. Unfortunately, it’s not that easy.

Setting boundaries before we enter a relationship helps to ensure that we’re thinking about ourselves, and not basing our decisions off of our partner. Shaping our expectations around another person’s behavior gives our partner all the control, and that kind of power imbalance never leads to a happy ending. While it can sometimes feel like options are limited when it comes to dating, it’s so much more rewarding to wait for someone who will understand and accept your boundaries, than to settle for someone who doesn’t.

Jordann Mason, Community Outreach Director