Setting Boundaries in New Relationships

The world has changed a lot over the last few months, and I’m sure I’m not the only person feeling hopeless and defeated right now, like nothing is going to get better.  Which makes it so much more exciting when we see clients who are meeting their goals and forming new and healthy relationships with others.  However, when we are feeling isolated and lonely we may be more likely to rush into a new relationship without considering boundaries first.

For a person with developmental disabilities, it can sometimes be tough to understand why more time has to pass if they know that they are romantically interested in someone. “I like her, so she should be my girlfriend.” I think we’ve all had that thought at one time or another, but we’ve also been taught that it takes time to build trust and a real connection with someone.  This is possibly even more important now.  As our relationships and the way we connect are changing we need to keep practicing setting and respecting boundaries.  So let’s talk about “oversharing”.

Open communication can be a very positive thing, but it can be very tempting to tell a new friend or partner everything about yourself right away.  Your likes, dislikes, hobbies, interests are all great things to share as you form new bonds, but where do we cross a line into oversharing?  Does a new partner want to know everything about our past relationships right away?  Would they feel comfortable knowing personal details about my family?  Do they need to know about my personal medical concerns early in the relationship?  A lot of this may be good to discuss at some point, but building trust to talk about these topics takes time.  So what if you have a partner who tells you things that make you uncomfortable?

When suggesting setting a boundary around this, we often hear “I can’t do that, that would be mean! I don’t want her to think that she can’t tell me things.”

Setting boundaries is difficult for anyone. It can be uncomfortable to have a conversation like that, especially when it’s someone we have a crush on or are in the early stages of dating. It’s difficult to figure out where to draw the line, and at what point in the relationship does that line possibly move (if ever).  Many people are so concerned about not hurting someone else’s feelings, that they forget their own feelings matter too.  We are particularly guilty of this in the Midwest, where we are taught to always be nice and polite, making it difficult at times to set a boundary with someone.  It takes time to truly understand why setting a boundary is healthy, and how to share your boundary in an assertive way.

Here are some ideas to set a boundary assertively, while still being empathetic to your partner or friend:

“I appreciate you sharing so openly with me, but I’m not comfortable knowing the intimate details of your past relationships”

“I’m glad you feel you can trust me to share this personal information, but I feel uncomfortable because it feels too soon in our relationship to share these details”

If someone has shared that they were in an abusive relationship, it is very important not to dismiss this.  You can be empathetic, tell them it is not okay that someone treated them this way, and offer resources that may be helpful such as DAIS or the Rape Crisis Center.

Jordann Mason, Community Outreach Director

Remember, boundaries are healthy and normal in relationships, especially now as the way we connect to each while maintaining social distance is changing.  If you set a boundary and someone gets angry, dismissive, mocking, or otherwise negative, it’s important to reflect on that and think about if this person is a good match for you or not.